FORDGATE 2013

HARPER TALKS FORD, FINALLY

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has finally mentioned Rob Ford publicly; however, Harper was his typical evasive and uncolourful self when doing so. OK, he made a stab at being somewhat jocular, but “being somewhat jocular” is how I’m phrasing that effort, so read between the lines.

At a news conference in Lac-Megantic, Quebec, Harper stated that in terms of Ford’s tenure, that is “for the residents of Toronto to decide.” Great!

In terms of Ford’s drug use, Harper stated, “We could never support the use or purchase of illegal drugs by anyone in political positions such as that.” REVELATORY!

Then, he threw in a somewhat jocular statement to really spice things up. Ford has mentioned that he wants to be Prime Minister (HAHAHAHAHA – now THAT’S a joke, Harpy!). Well, the current PM addressed that asinine notion, saying, “I’ve heard Mr. Ford’s statements to the effect that he would like to become prime minister of Canada; obviously this is not something I’m in favour of.” Ha..ha..ha? I miss Trudeau.

Well anyway, there you have it. Harper on Ford. Don’t worry, I realized while writing this that clearly Harper commentary is hardly news. Next! Via Vancouver Sun.

BUT I THOUGHT ROB FORD LOVED GRAVY?

Rob Ford does not appreciate it when his constituents ride the proverbial gravy train, or so says his budget chief.

But I think we can all agree that the drunken Pillsbury Dough Boy, also known as the Mayor of Toronto, clearly loves the delicious taste of a good gravy. We also know for a fact that he loves the colloquial “gravy,” AKA the bad shit!

Lesson learned today: When you’re the sitting Mayor of Toronto, and the standing joke of the world, have your people choose their words carefully!

Rob Ford, being the bastion of Conservatism in Toronto (HA!), wants to slash debt and lower taxes, because that’s what rich people like to hear! Well, it’s probably not happening. Ford wanted property taxes to be at 1.75%, and, realistically, they’re going to be over 2% via the budget that city staff are putting forward next week. And Big Bad Ford isn’t happy about that, reports his budget chief Frank Di Giorgio.

“To be brutally honest I think his feeling is the moment he was pushed aside, the gravy train got back in action,” said Mr. Di Giorgio. Di Giorgio doesn’t agree with Ford, saying that the reality is simply that funding pressures and budget increases render a 1.75% property tax unrealistic.

Well luckily for the world, Ford’s powers have been reduced to peanut gallery status. Everything he does is closer to an SNL skit than reality. Ford, do yourself a favour and let the political side of this gong show go on without you. I think we can all say that your time is better spent attending to that piping hot poutine with your name on it Down At The Danforth. Via National Post.

RON BURGUNDY PERFORMS ROB FORD’S RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN SONG ON ‘CONAN’

…And it’s perfect:

NEWS

IRANIAN NUCLEAR TALKS RESUME

Remember those nuclear talks in Geneva a couple of weeks ago that every spokesperson insisted were going just swimmingly? Well, they totally weren’t, and the talks have reconvened this week in Geneva to try and make some progress. Participants are Iran, and the five permanent members of the UN Security Council, plus Germany (P5 + 1.)

The structure of the deal is understood as Iran amending its nuclear program in exchange for relief from crippling economic sanctions imposed by the West. The problems with the last round of talks apparently rested in Iran’s lack of wiggle-room, plus upset from Israel and France regarding the upside of the deal from an Iranian perspective.

Iran insists that it will “exercise its nuclear rights,” meaning the terms of a nuclear arrangement probably won’t meet the P5+1’s ideal outcomes. Iran says its nuclear program is for civilian use, and P5+1 thinks they’re praaaabably trying to build a nuclear bomb.

The media is being kept at bay from the talks. Looks to me like if progress is to be made, something’s gotta give, but what’s the point in the US and Co. conceding to Iran’s terms if there’s no guarantee that their nuclear program has been subdued? Wouldn’t we be in the exact same position we’re in now, except Iran wouldn’t have its current sanctions? So complicated! I need to get back to wondering if that bakery in NYC will deliver Cronuts to Canada… Via Al Jazeera. 

OLD MAN ON KITS BEACH STABS A PIT BULL TO DEATH AFTER IT ATTACKED HIS PUG 

File this under: Just bad.

On Wednesday afternoon, a senior stabbed a pit bull to death on Kits beach after the pit bull bit his pug’s neck and wouldn’t let go. The pit bull was on a leash, and owner and dog approached the senior and his pug and began to chat. Midway through, the pit bull went cray and bit the pug on the neck. The owners couldn’t part the dogs, and the senior pulled out a pocket knife and began stabbing the pit bull.

Eek. Well, um, would the pit bull have killed the pug if he wasn’t taken down? The pug was rushed to the vet where it got stitches on its neck, so I’d say yes. So either the pug dies, or the pit bull dies, and the pit bull initiated it…well, there you have it. What I will say is that we have one bad-ass senior citizen on our hands! Attack his pug, he whips out his shank and just goes for it. Damn! Hard as hell.

The police aren’t currently pressing charges, but details of the scenario are being explored by the BC SPCA and the VPD. Via CBC. 

CELEBRITY GOSSIP

DINA LOHAN’S DUI TURNS INTO A COURT-RECOMMENDED PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION

Last September, Mother Of The Year and Long Island’s favourite drunk, Dina Lohan, was pulled over and charged with a DUI after cops noticed she was swerving like an 8 year-old in a go-kart on the Long Island Expressway. Dina’s case is currently undergoing court proceedings, where her attorney Mark Heller is seeking to prove that “stress from the paparazzi” forced her to drive drunk, and that Dina doesn’t have any consistent drug or alcohol abuse problems.

HAHAHAHA. Oh, Mark.

Either way, the judge isn’t buying any of it. Do you know what Dina’s BAC was that night? 0.2. Do you have ANY idea how shitfaced that is? Dina probably wasn’t able to figure out how the toilet paper dispenser worked in the bathroom at TGIFridays, let alone how to drive a car on the freeway. Dina was also too shitfaced to realize what the word “paparazzi” meant, let alone muster the strength to call them and tell them where she was before she feigned stress about the life of a celebrity*.

*Long Island’s 11th-most expensive escort

Well, the levels of moron did not evade the judge, who told her to seek independent psychiatric evaluation and do some community service. THOSE things might help her case, not Mark Heller trying to say that the woman who’s drunk more than she’s not doesn’t actually have a drinking problem. Fools! Either way, I would LOVE to see the results of said psychiatric evaluation. I smell a “Dr. Phil” special…Via Radar.

MILEY CYRUS BLEACHES HER DAMNED EYEBROWS

What a kook!

Miley Cyrus decided to get EVEN EDGIER and dye her dark eyebrows bleach blonde. All I can say is that the desired effect was achieved, because pictures of her with her new look will make you initially gasp and then not be able to look away. Miley wins AGAIN!

I seriously hope people don’t see this and try to copy it. Bleached eyebrows are not something just anyone can pull off. You need a team of stylists and a budget and a lifestyle that allows you to look absolutely ridiculous 24 hours a day. There’s no point in Miley’s day-to-day where she needs to look somewhat normal and respectable. She’s always able to look like a sorceress or an alien or a Rihanna-double, and bleached eyebrows go GREAT with all of those looks! But could you imagine, I don’t know, doing anything in your normal routine with bleached eyebrows? I don’t know if I’d be able to take a shower with bleached eyebrows – too many mirrors in there! But luckily for Miley, her life makes all of our lives look as boring as Stephen Harper’s ties, so good for her! Keep it up, Miles. Via HuffPo Celeb.